that smile makes mah heart go boom boom boom

I love T with all mah heart. But sometimes the tantrums are E.P.I.C.

Examples of E.P.I.C tantrums moments/days:

1) CHIPS.

T's diet consists of:
- chips
- bananas
- chips
- bread
- cheese (i could milk a cow of cheese if i could! he eats nothing but cheese!)
- chips
- nuggets
- chips

If I give him pasta or fried rice or something that has green in it, he wrinkles his nose, gives me a frown and points to it and say, GREEN. NO GREEN. And I say in an excited tone(tho I sound like a broken record!), It's nice. Yummy. Try it. If he could really say what he means, he'd probably scream, F%#!k THIS SHIT. I JUST WANT CHIPS! But still everyday, i put in greens, hoping he'd eat it someday and love it, like chips.

Before you think that i'm only feeding him chips, i don't. we try everyday to feed him healthy food but somehow, he just refuses to eat. Lately, it's been a battle to feed him during dinners. He refuses to sit at the dining table and I go, ok, if you don't want to eat, you starve. And yes, he happily runs away and goes to his toys. I tried hiding his toys so he won't take refuge to play with them and have dinner with us. BUT he switches on the cd player and presses play and starts dancing to Wiggles.

He is turning three. Getting way too smart.

2) NO, NO, NO, NO, NO
Everything is a NO.

Me: T, eat breakfast?
T: No.

Me: T, change nappy?
T: No.

Me: T, we have to layer your clothes. It's freaking 5degrees outside.
T: NO, NO, NO, NO

It takes me 1.5hours to get ready. From feeding him breakfast to getting him changed, feeding the dog, brushing our teeth. Well, after 1.5hours of getting ready, you'd think we're all geared up to leave. Well, apparently not. He decides that he wants to do a poop or play with his cars or decides that his green shoe doesn't go with his jeans or that the jacket he is wearing doesn't match.

And I am really tired everyday!
Me: T, take a nap. Mummy's very tired today.
T: NO. I'M ANGRY.
Me: Y, SWEETHEART?
T: Because I said NO NAPS!

But when I say:
Me: T, do you want to go KMART?
T: Yes.
(cuz he freaking wants to look at cars and then insists I buy him a $2 toy car.)

He is turning three. He is getting way too smart.

3) FICKLE-MINDED

He is as fickle as any girl out there. He says No one minute and yes to another.

Me: T, let's have some yummy milk
T: NO.
Me: Really?
T: yes, ok, let's have milk

Me: T, let's go out.
T: NO.
(a short pause. If I could read his mind, he'd probably be thinking: If I go out, there is a chance I'd go to KMART or Bunnings, my two favourite stores!)
T: yes, ok, let's go out.

He is turning three. He is getting way too smart.

4) Public tantrums
I tell you the shopping malls are a breed for tantrums. He now refuses to sit in his stroller and wants to brisk walk (read: run/dash). I am always fearful that he'd bang into someone. So, when I tell him that he either walks next to me or hold mah hand, the whole shopping mall knows that T DOES NOT WANT TO HOLD HANDS. He screams, NO HOLD HANDS! But when we go to KMART, he would hold my hand to the cashier with the new car in his hand.

WTF?! I count till 10 and take a breather.

He is turning three. He is getting way too smart.

5) Pushing his stroller
I hate this! I truly do. Since he refuses to sit in his stroller, he wants to push it. But I tell him that he cant' do that because he would bang into another person. But of course, he hates mah reasoning and wants to do it on his own.


He is turning three. He is getting way too smart.


But he is terribly sweet too. There are days I want to really crash (especially since I am so nap/sleep deprived) but when he is such an angel, I forget just how bad the terrible two days are. He cuddles me and gives me sloppy kisses. He becomes a real boy biatch one minute and the next, he says something silly like, HELLO SMELLY GIRL (I say that to our dog every morning) and there's a smile at the corner of my mouth and the rascal sees it and he starts to laugh. he pats our dog gently and goes close to her and asks for a nose kiss (tho I scream, Brandy has smelly breath! don't go too close!). He has a soft spot for our dog.

Somebody told me that it gets better when they turn four. So, what happens to when they turn three then?

Three is two with intent.



But look at that smile. Enough said.

All's forgiven and still, no matter what, we love him lots.

And oh, he is part Eurasian, part Indian, (just only a quarter Chinese). Indian and Eurasian mix = drama genes.

He's our little drama boy with a heart of gold.

Tomorrow

I will be 20weeks pregnant. I am half-way through and I am very happy(read:relieved) that we have come this far. We had our scan last Saturday and it was just precious. We had a 3D scan and saw a profile of baby's face. Baby was smiling and I went a bit sooky happy. I tell T that he is going to have a baby and he keeps kissing my tummy, like 100 times a day!

On another note, the weather's warming up n we have been going out almost everyday, just simply basking in the sun. I really worship the sun cuz autumn/winter is just so gloomy and wet. I m also a bit excited about this Saturday! I am going for a facial after having no ME-TIme for 3years!!!! I am going to have a facial!!!!'such simple pleasures!!!n have mah armpits waxed, mah Santa Claus moustache waxed n my eye brows trimmed! Sunday we r going to the park for a birthday party. Next weekend we r going cherry picking! And maybe strawberry picking after Xmas!!!!

But I will definitely miss Singapore on Xmas day. I will miss the Eurasian spread at our relatives house -Feng, Curry Devil, shepard's pie n shandy....and strawberry trifle!! N that u can't get from any supermarket! So unless u know a Eurasian family, then u really don't know what u r missing out on Xmas Day cuz everything is home cooked!!!!

Anyway, bring it on, Summer!!!

I love my son.

In my early 20s, I didn't think I'd ever be good with kids. I wasn't really thinking about them. It was all about me. I shopped for me, I ate for me, I shopped for me, I worked for me, and I shopped for me. :)

And then I got married and I wanted to have just one kid. That journey to have one was very trying. I always wondered why were these fertiles complaining about being perpetually tired when they were blessed with kids so easily. So, I yearned and dreamt of having just one baby. When I fell pregnant with T, I thought, since I was dreaming of motherhood for so long, I was all prepared for it.

But I was wrong.

Motherhood proved to be harder than I thought. No books, no friend, no relatives can give you the advice to survive it. You are pretty much on your own. Or maybe in our case, we were on our own. We had no help at all from day one when T was born. I didn't have a confinement nanny and I didn't have anybody to help me. I really struggled. I had slight PND and I cried for hours, not knowing what was wrong. I had lots of take-aways from burgers to frozen food to just toast. Friends in Singapore thought I was mad to have a baby in Melbourne. But hey, even if I were to go back, we didn't have help as our mothers passed away when we were young and our dads are pretty much useless.

Apart from no help, I didn't realise motherhood would consist of so many clubs - breastfeeding vs bottlefeeding babies, co-sleeping vs control crying, and gosh, the list goes on. Support within friends was hard. And anyway, to begin with, we hardly had friends here with kids when T was a baby till a year old.

But we survived and now we are now pregnant again.

We are truly blessed. Our hearts are filled with joy and love, and yes, apprehension too. We just can't wait for the baby to be born. I do not have any naps anymore since T has cut down on his naps to which I mourned of my loss of nap time and ME-time. I wake up when T does at 7.30am, and sleep at 8pm when he sleeps. I am really spent by 2pm. But lately, I am feeling a bit sad too cuz my time would have to be divided between T and the baby. T has always had my attention. When he wakes up, he would cuddle me for at least 10minutes before he fully wakes up and in his smelly (i love that breath!) breath, he'd say, NOSE KISS FOR MUMMY. It just melts my heart. Despite his tantrums, he is still such a sweet boy. Whenever he falls down, he would say, MUMMY KISS and I'd give him a kiss and I'd ask him, DO YOU FEEL BETTER?. To which, he'd reply, YES, MUMMY, BETTER. He is always wanting to be near me. We are perpetually joined at the hip. He asks for cuddles throughout the day. I love him so so much. I am eternally grateful that he has chosen us to be his parents.

People disapprove of our parenting methods. I call mine instinctive parenting. Or rather survival parenting. Whatever works of the day/month/year. And truth to be told, I don't give a flying f*!@#? to whatever people say these days. They can think whatever but nobody is perfect and my kid is not perfect and neither is yours.

And also they are only so little this short passage of time.

So, why don't we just embrace our child/children and love them and stop the whole sha bang bang about this political motherhood warfare. Afterall, motherhood is between your child and you.

Nobody else matters.

Post-note: And this is why we should treasure our kids now even more. Read this post here. I promise you, you'll need tissues.

small talk

not sure about you but i hate small talk.

it.is.just.so.exhausting.

it starts with,

Hey, how are you?

and all i really want to say is,

Do you really want to know? Let's see, my son decides that kicking is the best way of communication now. my son's tantrums are epic. thank goodness, he is cute and when he says i love you, i just melt. My hair is in need of a make-over. I need sleep. My whoo-ha hair is a jungle. I need some ME-TIME. I need a cleaner which we can't afford cuz we have a freaking mortgage to pay. I am just being whiney today.

but i say,

Great. Grand. And you?

and then he/she says,

Yeah, good

and then, awkward, uncomfortable silence.

I miss having conversations with friends whom i can really laugh with, share the same jokes. I miss talking Singlish. I miss my Singaporean friends.

Spring is here!

Spring is here! Weather has started to get warmer. the days are longer, it gets dark around 6-ish, instead of 5-ish and i just love Spring when everything feels a bit more positive.

Time to do a good wax(been hiding mah hairy legs, arms and armpits - rofl..hey when you're a mum with no help, the last thing on your list is to get a good wax!) cuz we don't need those damned jumpers and singlets and socks and jackets and hats and scarves and gloves and boots to put on. And try putting all these on with a toddler who screams, bellows and shrieks NOOOO!!!! when i try to layer him on with clothes. So much easier in summer with him being topless with a nappy on..though, i'm hoping he'll be toilet trained by summer.

Bring it on, Spring!

tantrums

we're having bad tantrums..T is driving me nuts that i'm about to pull all my hair out, including my whoo-ha hair.

It starts with a shrill Mick Jagger, NOOOOOOO!!!! to kung-fu Jackie Chan kicks to Ike Turner's slaps. It's just been really hard.

Do you have 29month old toddlers like that?

I'm trying to control him and tell him it's wrong. We've tried with talks, to naughty corners to bribing.

What works for your kids?

And he sleeps

I yearned, dreamed and desired for babies for 3.5years. I've heard so much about how hard it is to raise a child, but I thought, I'm just ever-so-ready. I was tired of waiting and then it happened. But when it did and I had T, it was so hard in the beginning that I really felt like I was on a rollercoaster ride so fast that I couldn't stop spinning!

So, when T was born, I received a lot of assvice about how to put him to sleep, on his own by using controversial method - control crying. There are so many views out there and so many success stories with it and failures with it too.

T has always been a horrible sleeper. Breastfeeding was hard during the first three months when I had him and then suddenly, he latched on perfectly after the 4th month. He always needed to be fed to sleep. I had a love-hate relationship with breastfeeding. I loved the close bond I have with him but yet, I wanted my life back or rather sleep back. He used my boobies when he was teething. It went on day and night. It was his comfort zone to his swollen gums. Teething started around 6months and the peak was when he was 15months. His molars started to cut through and sometimes even boobies didn't help and we had to drive him around at 3am (the witch hours) to get him to sleep. I was a walking zombie during that time and I really don't know how I made it through.

I remember we were having lunch with another couple who has a son around the same age as T and she said this to me, YOU HAVE TO USE CONTROL CRYING ON HIM! ELSE YOU WILL NEVER GET HIM TO SLEEP!!! And babes added, Yeah, I told her to do it but she doesn't want to. I was furious! Babes was voicing out his views about me not wanting to use control crying and I didn't like him expressing our own differences to anybody. It didn't help that my friend's husband also had to add that I will never get my boobs back if this went on. I left and sobbed hysterically in the car, thinking I had failed as a mum. It didn't help that babes wasn't on my side. I immediately called the Australian Breastfeeding Association because I didn't know whom I can talk to. Nobody I knew was exclusively breastfeeding their babies. All had either given up or supplementing with formula. I spoke to a counsellor and cried and poured my heart out what I felt about breastfeeding and why I couldn't use control crying. How, how can I allow an innocent baby to cry on his own, when all he knows is that he needs his mummy's love and gentle touch and stroke on his hair to put him to sleep? He doesn't know anything, he can't talk, he can't express his needs. All he knows is when he latches on, he feels secure and loved and I wanted to do that until he was ready to self wean. I was determined to do it the gentle way. Surely, there must be some other way? Also, I wanted to exclusively breastfeed too as my fertility specialist said that it would keep my endo at bay as that was the main reason why I couldn't conceive.

So, the counsellor suggested reading a no-cry sleep solution book by Elizabeth Pantley. And I did that. At that time, it didn't make sense because it still went on night after night. But I persisted for almost a year. Well, not really. I think I slacked off for about 6months or so but I did it off and on. However, I think cuz I am able to reason with him better and that he understands what I'm saying now, sleep has gotten a whole lot easier with T. He doesn't feed through the night anymore. And I have to kick myself by saying this but for the past week, after bf-ing for about 1minute and then I tell him that I'm drained, he detaches himself and turns around. He asks me to cuddle him and he goes to sleep by himself. BY HIMSELF!!!!!!! He didn't feed himself to sleep. As I write this, I'm just tearing up a bit cuz funny though, here I am hoping that he'll sleep on his own someday but when he does it, he takes me by surprise and I'm caught off guard.

I know that he's on the road to self weaning soon. I can feel it. And somehow I am sad a little bit. Ok, a whole lot as I am sobbing now cuz he is my firstborn. My sweet miracle who brought me out of my darkness and gave me a reason to smile and laugh again and oh yes, cry a lot too. I am certainly going to miss breastfeeding him now when the time comes. But I'm looking forward to new milestones..and with each milestone reached, he's just taking one step at a time to being an adult soon and I will no longer be as needed and..... that is just such a bittersweet feeling.

Here's a poem dedicated to T:
My hands were busy through the day,

I didn't have much time to play

The little games you asked me to,

I didn't have much time for you.



I'd wash your clothes; I'd sew and cook,

But when you'd bring your picture book

And ask me, please, to share your fun,

I'd say, "a little later, son".



I'd tuck you in all safe at night,

And hear your prayers, turn out the light,

Then tiptoe softly to the door,

I wish I'd stayed a minute more.



For life is short, and years rush past,

A little boy grows up so fast,

Someday he may no longer be at your side,

His precious secrets to confide.



The picture books will be put away someday,

There are no children's games to play,

No goodnight kiss, no prayers to hear,

That all will belong to yesteryear.



My hands once busy, may lie still someday,

The days will be long and hard to fill,

And then I will wish I might go back and do,

The little things you asked me to.



And so to our dearest son,

we will treasure each and every day with you

for we will love you forever,

we'll like you for always,

as long as we're living,

our baby you'll be.