Tomorrow

I will be 20weeks pregnant. I am half-way through and I am very happy(read:relieved) that we have come this far. We had our scan last Saturday and it was just precious. We had a 3D scan and saw a profile of baby's face. Baby was smiling and I went a bit sooky happy. I tell T that he is going to have a baby and he keeps kissing my tummy, like 100 times a day!

On another note, the weather's warming up n we have been going out almost everyday, just simply basking in the sun. I really worship the sun cuz autumn/winter is just so gloomy and wet. I m also a bit excited about this Saturday! I am going for a facial after having no ME-TIme for 3years!!!! I am going to have a facial!!!!'such simple pleasures!!!n have mah armpits waxed, mah Santa Claus moustache waxed n my eye brows trimmed! Sunday we r going to the park for a birthday party. Next weekend we r going cherry picking! And maybe strawberry picking after Xmas!!!!

But I will definitely miss Singapore on Xmas day. I will miss the Eurasian spread at our relatives house -Feng, Curry Devil, shepard's pie n shandy....and strawberry trifle!! N that u can't get from any supermarket! So unless u know a Eurasian family, then u really don't know what u r missing out on Xmas Day cuz everything is home cooked!!!!

Anyway, bring it on, Summer!!!

I love my son.

In my early 20s, I didn't think I'd ever be good with kids. I wasn't really thinking about them. It was all about me. I shopped for me, I ate for me, I shopped for me, I worked for me, and I shopped for me. :)

And then I got married and I wanted to have just one kid. That journey to have one was very trying. I always wondered why were these fertiles complaining about being perpetually tired when they were blessed with kids so easily. So, I yearned and dreamt of having just one baby. When I fell pregnant with T, I thought, since I was dreaming of motherhood for so long, I was all prepared for it.

But I was wrong.

Motherhood proved to be harder than I thought. No books, no friend, no relatives can give you the advice to survive it. You are pretty much on your own. Or maybe in our case, we were on our own. We had no help at all from day one when T was born. I didn't have a confinement nanny and I didn't have anybody to help me. I really struggled. I had slight PND and I cried for hours, not knowing what was wrong. I had lots of take-aways from burgers to frozen food to just toast. Friends in Singapore thought I was mad to have a baby in Melbourne. But hey, even if I were to go back, we didn't have help as our mothers passed away when we were young and our dads are pretty much useless.

Apart from no help, I didn't realise motherhood would consist of so many clubs - breastfeeding vs bottlefeeding babies, co-sleeping vs control crying, and gosh, the list goes on. Support within friends was hard. And anyway, to begin with, we hardly had friends here with kids when T was a baby till a year old.

But we survived and now we are now pregnant again.

We are truly blessed. Our hearts are filled with joy and love, and yes, apprehension too. We just can't wait for the baby to be born. I do not have any naps anymore since T has cut down on his naps to which I mourned of my loss of nap time and ME-time. I wake up when T does at 7.30am, and sleep at 8pm when he sleeps. I am really spent by 2pm. But lately, I am feeling a bit sad too cuz my time would have to be divided between T and the baby. T has always had my attention. When he wakes up, he would cuddle me for at least 10minutes before he fully wakes up and in his smelly (i love that breath!) breath, he'd say, NOSE KISS FOR MUMMY. It just melts my heart. Despite his tantrums, he is still such a sweet boy. Whenever he falls down, he would say, MUMMY KISS and I'd give him a kiss and I'd ask him, DO YOU FEEL BETTER?. To which, he'd reply, YES, MUMMY, BETTER. He is always wanting to be near me. We are perpetually joined at the hip. He asks for cuddles throughout the day. I love him so so much. I am eternally grateful that he has chosen us to be his parents.

People disapprove of our parenting methods. I call mine instinctive parenting. Or rather survival parenting. Whatever works of the day/month/year. And truth to be told, I don't give a flying f*!@#? to whatever people say these days. They can think whatever but nobody is perfect and my kid is not perfect and neither is yours.

And also they are only so little this short passage of time.

So, why don't we just embrace our child/children and love them and stop the whole sha bang bang about this political motherhood warfare. Afterall, motherhood is between your child and you.

Nobody else matters.

Post-note: And this is why we should treasure our kids now even more. Read this post here. I promise you, you'll need tissues.

small talk

not sure about you but i hate small talk.

it.is.just.so.exhausting.

it starts with,

Hey, how are you?

and all i really want to say is,

Do you really want to know? Let's see, my son decides that kicking is the best way of communication now. my son's tantrums are epic. thank goodness, he is cute and when he says i love you, i just melt. My hair is in need of a make-over. I need sleep. My whoo-ha hair is a jungle. I need some ME-TIME. I need a cleaner which we can't afford cuz we have a freaking mortgage to pay. I am just being whiney today.

but i say,

Great. Grand. And you?

and then he/she says,

Yeah, good

and then, awkward, uncomfortable silence.

I miss having conversations with friends whom i can really laugh with, share the same jokes. I miss talking Singlish. I miss my Singaporean friends.

Spring is here!

Spring is here! Weather has started to get warmer. the days are longer, it gets dark around 6-ish, instead of 5-ish and i just love Spring when everything feels a bit more positive.

Time to do a good wax(been hiding mah hairy legs, arms and armpits - rofl..hey when you're a mum with no help, the last thing on your list is to get a good wax!) cuz we don't need those damned jumpers and singlets and socks and jackets and hats and scarves and gloves and boots to put on. And try putting all these on with a toddler who screams, bellows and shrieks NOOOO!!!! when i try to layer him on with clothes. So much easier in summer with him being topless with a nappy on..though, i'm hoping he'll be toilet trained by summer.

Bring it on, Spring!

tantrums

we're having bad tantrums..T is driving me nuts that i'm about to pull all my hair out, including my whoo-ha hair.

It starts with a shrill Mick Jagger, NOOOOOOO!!!! to kung-fu Jackie Chan kicks to Ike Turner's slaps. It's just been really hard.

Do you have 29month old toddlers like that?

I'm trying to control him and tell him it's wrong. We've tried with talks, to naughty corners to bribing.

What works for your kids?

And he sleeps

I yearned, dreamed and desired for babies for 3.5years. I've heard so much about how hard it is to raise a child, but I thought, I'm just ever-so-ready. I was tired of waiting and then it happened. But when it did and I had T, it was so hard in the beginning that I really felt like I was on a rollercoaster ride so fast that I couldn't stop spinning!

So, when T was born, I received a lot of assvice about how to put him to sleep, on his own by using controversial method - control crying. There are so many views out there and so many success stories with it and failures with it too.

T has always been a horrible sleeper. Breastfeeding was hard during the first three months when I had him and then suddenly, he latched on perfectly after the 4th month. He always needed to be fed to sleep. I had a love-hate relationship with breastfeeding. I loved the close bond I have with him but yet, I wanted my life back or rather sleep back. He used my boobies when he was teething. It went on day and night. It was his comfort zone to his swollen gums. Teething started around 6months and the peak was when he was 15months. His molars started to cut through and sometimes even boobies didn't help and we had to drive him around at 3am (the witch hours) to get him to sleep. I was a walking zombie during that time and I really don't know how I made it through.

I remember we were having lunch with another couple who has a son around the same age as T and she said this to me, YOU HAVE TO USE CONTROL CRYING ON HIM! ELSE YOU WILL NEVER GET HIM TO SLEEP!!! And babes added, Yeah, I told her to do it but she doesn't want to. I was furious! Babes was voicing out his views about me not wanting to use control crying and I didn't like him expressing our own differences to anybody. It didn't help that my friend's husband also had to add that I will never get my boobs back if this went on. I left and sobbed hysterically in the car, thinking I had failed as a mum. It didn't help that babes wasn't on my side. I immediately called the Australian Breastfeeding Association because I didn't know whom I can talk to. Nobody I knew was exclusively breastfeeding their babies. All had either given up or supplementing with formula. I spoke to a counsellor and cried and poured my heart out what I felt about breastfeeding and why I couldn't use control crying. How, how can I allow an innocent baby to cry on his own, when all he knows is that he needs his mummy's love and gentle touch and stroke on his hair to put him to sleep? He doesn't know anything, he can't talk, he can't express his needs. All he knows is when he latches on, he feels secure and loved and I wanted to do that until he was ready to self wean. I was determined to do it the gentle way. Surely, there must be some other way? Also, I wanted to exclusively breastfeed too as my fertility specialist said that it would keep my endo at bay as that was the main reason why I couldn't conceive.

So, the counsellor suggested reading a no-cry sleep solution book by Elizabeth Pantley. And I did that. At that time, it didn't make sense because it still went on night after night. But I persisted for almost a year. Well, not really. I think I slacked off for about 6months or so but I did it off and on. However, I think cuz I am able to reason with him better and that he understands what I'm saying now, sleep has gotten a whole lot easier with T. He doesn't feed through the night anymore. And I have to kick myself by saying this but for the past week, after bf-ing for about 1minute and then I tell him that I'm drained, he detaches himself and turns around. He asks me to cuddle him and he goes to sleep by himself. BY HIMSELF!!!!!!! He didn't feed himself to sleep. As I write this, I'm just tearing up a bit cuz funny though, here I am hoping that he'll sleep on his own someday but when he does it, he takes me by surprise and I'm caught off guard.

I know that he's on the road to self weaning soon. I can feel it. And somehow I am sad a little bit. Ok, a whole lot as I am sobbing now cuz he is my firstborn. My sweet miracle who brought me out of my darkness and gave me a reason to smile and laugh again and oh yes, cry a lot too. I am certainly going to miss breastfeeding him now when the time comes. But I'm looking forward to new milestones..and with each milestone reached, he's just taking one step at a time to being an adult soon and I will no longer be as needed and..... that is just such a bittersweet feeling.

Here's a poem dedicated to T:
My hands were busy through the day,

I didn't have much time to play

The little games you asked me to,

I didn't have much time for you.



I'd wash your clothes; I'd sew and cook,

But when you'd bring your picture book

And ask me, please, to share your fun,

I'd say, "a little later, son".



I'd tuck you in all safe at night,

And hear your prayers, turn out the light,

Then tiptoe softly to the door,

I wish I'd stayed a minute more.



For life is short, and years rush past,

A little boy grows up so fast,

Someday he may no longer be at your side,

His precious secrets to confide.



The picture books will be put away someday,

There are no children's games to play,

No goodnight kiss, no prayers to hear,

That all will belong to yesteryear.



My hands once busy, may lie still someday,

The days will be long and hard to fill,

And then I will wish I might go back and do,

The little things you asked me to.



And so to our dearest son,

we will treasure each and every day with you

for we will love you forever,

we'll like you for always,

as long as we're living,

our baby you'll be.

it can get a bit lonely... sometimes.

T is now 27.5months old and soon, he'll be 3 years old. Wow, 3.

When we first found out that I was pregnant with T, I didn't know any friends here in Australia who has kids. Most of our friends were single. And I had to make new friends again. I'm not so much of a sociable butterfly. Since T was born, I tried a few playgroups and it was hard. I usually didn't know what to say and sometimes after having a conversation of less than a minute with awkward silences, I just grew tired of trying to socialise T and myself. Then I became depressed a bit cuz I'm here all alone with no family help and friends. And being a first time (read: paranoid somewhere in between) mum, the isolation was pretty daunting. What made matters worst was that i couldn't drive back then. And when you don't drive in Melbourne, you're pretty much a dead duck. With perpetual rainy weather for about 9 to 10months in 12, we stayed indoors. It got really bad.

Then I started to learn how to drive and got my licence. I didn't have much of a practise without babes or my driving instructor next to me, I had to bravely venture out with T in the car. I had to do it - for his own good and mine. We started to socialise a bit more but yet I found it hard to find mothers who are on the same wavelength as me.

Take for instance, the mothers at Shichida. I only speak to 2 mothers who are Indonesians. Lovely ladies. We don't usually compare our kids but gosh, there is this lady whom I shall call her Chucky cuz she really looks like CHUCKY! And what an annoying Chucky she is! Each time she opens her mouth, I scream in my head, SHUT UP, CHUCKY, SHUT UP! :) She makes annoying comments when I said, T doesn't sleep early. He sometimes sleeps at 10pm (I didn't dare say 11pm), if he doesn't go out to the park to run. Her comment was: Gosh, you are generous! I would never let Michael sleep that late. I felt like telling her, do you honestly think I would love for him to sleep so late when sometimes I really need some down time to myself? But he doesn't and wouldn't and it's such a battle to fight with him over sleep that I just relent. And when the Indonesia mothers and I were talking about being so tired with no family help here, she commented, OH, YOU GUYS JUST NEED TO HAVE YOUR PRIORITIES RIGHT! Erm, hello, Mrs Chucky, you have your mother and mother-in-law who come over to your house to babysit Michael on 2 days whilst you go out to shop to have your downtime whilst we will never have that chance, being expatriates here. Honestly, how does one do it? When it's during the weekends, I have to rush out to do the supermarket shopping, plan T's activities for the week, plan the menu for the following week, give the house a good clean, iron the clothes and there goes my weekend. Who will do this for us? Definitely no mums or mum-in-laws here for us. Sometimes, I just feel so tired that I can fall asleep from driving back home from my weekend supermarket shopping. Somebody suggested to do takeaways! Erm, well, housing here is REALLY EXPENSIVE, like half a million close to a million and we've just bought a house after scrimping and eating soya sauce with just plain porridge for 4 years before coming up with a deposit. Takeaways cost $10 to $15 per person, so you do the Math. (But erm, I wouldn't go back to Singapore either) Just to side track a bit, cuz she looks like chucky, unfortunately, so does her son. I know I'm being evil by saying this but her son is just as mean because he really bullies the other kids by snatching toys (which i f-ing hate!) and if he doesn't get his way, he hits the other kids!!!!!! he did that once to T and poor T just wailed non-stop! arghs!

So, what was I saying? When I was in Singapore for a short visit, I met up with a few friends who are now mums. Oh gosh, the comparisons can just go on and on and boy, the comments are just annoying. When I was just sharing my breastfeeding stories cuz everybody was, I stopped at saying that I'm still breastfeeding T when somebody said and gave me a weird look, HUH?! BREASTFEED SO LONG?! I stopped my breastfeeding story altogether. I did try control crying for 2 days when he was 21months. It was horrible. My heart couldn't take it. He vomitted on the bed with babes in his arms and he cried hysterically. And on the 2nd night, he flung himself out of babes arms and hit his head on the wall. I realised that control crying wasn't for us. T wasn't ready for it. I then tried talking to him and telling him that mummy's tired and can't breastfeed the whole night anymore but still he couldn't understand. So, I just left it as that. Today, he is 27.5months and I have just weaned him off his 1am, 5am and 7am feeds - with no control crying needed. He was just ready for it. I've been telling him that no boobies till the sun comes out and that when mummy says she is drained, he must not cry and that I will cuddle him back to bed with all my heart and love. Just yesterday, he asked for a feed at 5am, and I said in my dreamy state, mummy is drained and he turned away and whispered, mummy drained. no cry. I smiled and am smiling here. Ok, so i digressed and what am i trying to say in this entire post? I've completely lost the plot.

What I'm trying to say is that us, mums have to learn to respect each others decision - be it breastfeeding, formula feeding, co-sleeping, control crying, using gentle sleep solutions. What matters most is what works best for you and your family.

Because being a mum can be such a daunting task with OMG moments and the last thing we'd need to hear is somebody making"OH I DON'T DO THIS AND I DON'T DO THAT AND OH I WILL NEVER DO THIS AND I WILL NEVER DO THAT" comments...

Have you ever felt that way before?

When the day is just so lonely and after a comment like that, it affects your mood even more?

Hmmmmm.......