I yearned, dreamed and desired for babies for 3.5years. I've heard so much about how hard it is to raise a child, but I thought, I'm just ever-so-ready. I was tired of waiting and then it happened. But when it did and I had T, it was so hard in the beginning that I really felt like I was on a rollercoaster ride so fast that I couldn't stop spinning!
So, when T was born, I received a lot of assvice about how to put him to sleep, on his own by using controversial method - control crying. There are so many views out there and so many success stories with it and failures with it too.
T has always been a horrible sleeper. Breastfeeding was hard during the first three months when I had him and then suddenly, he latched on perfectly after the 4th month. He always needed to be fed to sleep. I had a love-hate relationship with breastfeeding. I loved the close bond I have with him but yet, I wanted my life back or rather sleep back. He used my boobies when he was teething. It went on day and night. It was his comfort zone to his swollen gums. Teething started around 6months and the peak was when he was 15months. His molars started to cut through and sometimes even boobies didn't help and we had to drive him around at 3am (the witch hours) to get him to sleep. I was a walking zombie during that time and I really don't know how I made it through.
I remember we were having lunch with another couple who has a son around the same age as T and she said this to me, YOU HAVE TO USE CONTROL CRYING ON HIM! ELSE YOU WILL NEVER GET HIM TO SLEEP!!! And babes added, Yeah, I told her to do it but she doesn't want to. I was furious! Babes was voicing out his views about me not wanting to use control crying and I didn't like him expressing our own differences to anybody. It didn't help that my friend's husband also had to add that I will never get my boobs back if this went on. I left and sobbed hysterically in the car, thinking I had failed as a mum. It didn't help that babes wasn't on my side. I immediately called the Australian Breastfeeding Association because I didn't know whom I can talk to. Nobody I knew was exclusively breastfeeding their babies. All had either given up or supplementing with formula. I spoke to a counsellor and cried and poured my heart out what I felt about breastfeeding and why I couldn't use control crying. How, how can I allow an innocent baby to cry on his own, when all he knows is that he needs his mummy's love and gentle touch and stroke on his hair to put him to sleep? He doesn't know anything, he can't talk, he can't express his needs. All he knows is when he latches on, he feels secure and loved and I wanted to do that until he was ready to self wean. I was determined to do it the gentle way. Surely, there must be some other way? Also, I wanted to exclusively breastfeed too as my fertility specialist said that it would keep my endo at bay as that was the main reason why I couldn't conceive.
So, the counsellor suggested reading a no-cry sleep solution book by Elizabeth Pantley. And I did that. At that time, it didn't make sense because it still went on night after night. But I persisted for almost a year. Well, not really. I think I slacked off for about 6months or so but I did it off and on. However, I think cuz I am able to reason with him better and that he understands what I'm saying now, sleep has gotten a whole lot easier with T. He doesn't feed through the night anymore. And I have to kick myself by saying this but for the past week, after bf-ing for about 1minute and then I tell him that I'm drained, he detaches himself and turns around. He asks me to cuddle him and he goes to sleep by himself. BY HIMSELF!!!!!!! He didn't feed himself to sleep. As I write this, I'm just tearing up a bit cuz funny though, here I am hoping that he'll sleep on his own someday but when he does it, he takes me by surprise and I'm caught off guard.
I know that he's on the road to self weaning soon. I can feel it. And somehow I am sad a little bit. Ok, a whole lot as I am sobbing now cuz he is my firstborn. My sweet miracle who brought me out of my darkness and gave me a reason to smile and laugh again and oh yes, cry a lot too. I am certainly going to miss breastfeeding him now when the time comes. But I'm looking forward to new milestones..and with each milestone reached, he's just taking one step at a time to being an adult soon and I will no longer be as needed and..... that is just such a bittersweet feeling.
Here's a poem dedicated to T:
My hands were busy through the day,
I didn't have much time to play
The little games you asked me to,
I didn't have much time for you.
I'd wash your clothes; I'd sew and cook,
But when you'd bring your picture book
And ask me, please, to share your fun,
I'd say, "a little later, son".
I'd tuck you in all safe at night,
And hear your prayers, turn out the light,
Then tiptoe softly to the door,
I wish I'd stayed a minute more.
For life is short, and years rush past,
A little boy grows up so fast,
Someday he may no longer be at your side,
His precious secrets to confide.
The picture books will be put away someday,
There are no children's games to play,
No goodnight kiss, no prayers to hear,
That all will belong to yesteryear.
My hands once busy, may lie still someday,
The days will be long and hard to fill,
And then I will wish I might go back and do,
The little things you asked me to.
And so to our dearest son,
we will treasure each and every day with you
for we will love you forever,
we'll like you for always,
as long as we're living,
our baby you'll be.
